From son to daughter: A Singaporean family's transformation

“When you walk out on the street you have to face the cold hard facts, the world, and the way people look at you...it’s hard. Home is supposed to be the safe place where you can go to for warmth and love, and at the end of the day it’s good to know that there’s somebody you can go home to, who doesn’t judge you, who loves you for who you are.”

- Jamie Yee

Jamie Yee, 36, is a post-op transgender person. With the love and support of her family, Jamie, at the age of 24, underwent an operation to become what she had always felt she was: a girl.

From the age of five, Jamie knew she wasn’t quite like the other boys. Rather than sharing in the rough-and-tumble activities with them, she found herself gravitating towards girls’ toys, like cooking sets and dolls. One of her earliest recollections was when she was asked to colour a cow, and she did so – in purple – and all the time insisting that such an animal existed, despite everyone telling her it wasn’t the norm.

Jamie’s Mother, Mrs Yee Yoke Lan, 58, had also known early on that her child was special. “As she grew up – I think it was mother’s intuition – you get to see that she was very different. Although she was born a boy, she was very gentle. And when her sister was born – Jamie was 6-plus at the time – she also played with her sister’s toys.”

Awareness did not lead to acceptance though. Mrs Yee spent years in denial, in the face of increasing evidence of her daughter’s identified gender. During her medical check-up at secondary four, Jamie’s school doctor had called Mrs Yee in to tell her that Jamie was “special” , and although she was taking her ‘O’ Levels at the time, she should not be stressed.

“The doctor didn’t tell me exactly why at the time, why she was special. But in my own heart, I knew.”

It was not a feeling that Mrs Yee was ready to acknowledge, however.

“I was actually trying to deny (knowing) and hope that it will not be what I thought. As her mother I would always go to her room to tidy up and check (on her). And I would find traces of her cross-dressing – but I did not question her. Maybe I was afraid to face the truth.”

To make matters worse, work stress added further to the confusion arising from having to bring up a child like Jamie. They were taking their toll on Mrs Yee and she started contemplating suicide - a thought that she kept from everyone, including her husband.

Communication between Jamie and her father fared no better. Her father, Yee Chang Kim, 70, had little awareness of events at home; Mrs Yee had not shared her feelings with him.

“At the time, my working hours were very long, so I did not think very much of it. As her father, I found it very difficult to express my concern for her,” he said in Mandarin.

Through her teenage years, Jamie struggled to come to terms with her identity, and how she was going to break the news to her parents. Jamie tried to distance herself from them as much as she could, she would come home late to make sure no one would see her at night, and would sleep in late to make sure no one saw her in the morning when they went to work.

Her parents eventually found out when Jamie was called up for National Service.

When she went in for the routine medical, she confessed to the medical officer that she was transgendered. Her parents were subsequently asked to attend a meeting with the psychologist.

“I think it was a case of either denial or don’t-ask-don’t-tell. Sort of ‘maybe he’s going through a phase, he’ll get over it’ sort of thing. But they went ahead with it and I had to do the whole two years of National Service,” Jamie said.

“What the psychiatrist said was that maybe it’ll make me more of a man after it - but apparently not.”

Crucially, however, Jamie’s mother was opening to the idea that her son was really her daughter. Through her own very difficult period, while wrestling with thoughts of suicide, Mrs Yee went for counselling courses. It was there that she began to open up and learn more about diversity in human sexuality.

Transgendered people are individuals who express their gender in a non traditional manner. In Jamie’s case, she was born physically as a man, but sees and expresses herself completely as a woman. In practical terms, she has always been a female, but requires gender reassignment to fully express it.

Mrs Yee knew this. She knew that gender identity issues aren’t easy to deal with, and that family support can help her daughter. “I don’t think they have a choice”, she said, “sometimes they are born in this way, so they need the help and understanding from their family to help them and to believe in them.”

After NS, Jamie started to transition. “I read from a lot of books that it’s actually better to try and live your life as a full time girl to see how would blend in and cope with that.” During this period, Jamie worked at a restaurant, dressed up as a girl, to save up money to go for a gender reassignment operation in Thailand. But she was faced with a painful choice.

Her mother had cautioned her not to “do anything drastic” until after her father had passed on, given how conservative he was. But deep inside, Jamie was torn.

“It kept going on in my head that it’s not fair of me wishing that my Dad would pass on so that I can do what I want to do. It was a choice between going ahead and doing the surgery without their blessing in Thailand, or coming straight out and getting their blessing – which would be a lot better for me as well,” she said.

So Jamie approached her mother about the gender reassignment surgery, knowing that her mother was not closed to the idea.

Mrs Yee listened, then promised to talk to her husband on Jamie’s behalf. For them, choosing to give Jamie their blessing, or not, represented the choice between supporting their daughter through a major turning point in her life and keeping her, or further estranging their daughter and themselves, while leaving their daughter to an uncertain fate.

It was a very difficult choice for Mr Yee.

“Jamie’s my child. When she said that she wanted to go for the operation, my heart ached quite badly. It was a very difficult time for me. I kept asking myself: how is it possible that a child of mine could turn out like that? I found it so difficult to accept the reality”, he said, “but I thought, If I try to stop her, what will be the consequences? So I thought that the best thing for me to do, as her father, was to let Jamie decide for herself. This is something that she's been wishing for, for a long time, and I want her to be happy. I feel that if I had tried to stop her, she might have a very different outlook on life and I feared that something bad might happen to her. So in the end, I gave her my blessing to go for the operation.”

“The decision was made because we don’t want her to, because we already know that she has decided to go ahead, we don’t want her to go to a foreign land to take the operation where her family were not around. So we decided to let her go ahead and do it in Singapore where we feel that with us around giving her the support it would be much safer, we would feel better, and also in our heart we were thinking at least we have a child”, said Mrs Yee, “because we don’t want to lose a child, that’s the main thing.”

Mr Yee agreed, “I'm her parent, so it's my responsibility to see that she lives and grows as a healthy and happy individual no matter what she may be like. I cannot abandon her.”

In fact, Mr and Mrs Yee not only supported Jamie’s decision, but also arranged for her to have it done in Singapore, at a cost of more than $10,000.

“We used our Medisave and our savings to help her, to help pay for the operation. Because she had to stay in an ‘A’ Class ward, it was very costly, but we think it was worth it. We would be around in case of any complications,” said Mrs Yee.

Additionally, it was also Jamie’s mother who helped her inform the rest of the extended family, seeking their support as well.

“It was very difficult to break the news to the family but I have to do that because I want them to accept”, said Mrs Yee, “it’s Jamie’s choice and we have to respect her decision.”

And to Jamie’s amazement, when she awoke, she saw not only her own parents smiling back at her, but also her entire extended family, their support and understanding made real.

Sharing the moment, Jamie’s mother said, “We felt happy that she had woken up from the operation, that’s the most important part... the priority was that she’s safe and healthy after that.”

Twelve years later, Jamie is a successful post-op transgender female. She is now a registered nurse, and is no longer afraid of showing herself to her family. She attends family gatherings, and readily shares her problems with her parents, who go on to support her in whatever way they can.

Jamie’s mother said, “Jamie has to face the world bravely and understand that there will be many who will look at her with different feelings and different thoughts... She has to know that her family understands and wants to help to continue her life and to live happily.”

And how does Jamie feel? “I am very lucky in the sense that I’ve got great parents who are supportive and it’s like now when I go out with them and they introduce me as their daughter, as their eldest daughter... It’s little things like that which I feel I’m thankful”, she smiles, “Although sometimes, my Mum still forgets and calls me by my boy’s name. But that’s fine.”

When one door closes, a closet door opens: A Singaporean mother’s appeal to parents of LGBT sons and daughters

The feeling of falling into a deep pit is how Yiap Geok Khuan, 67, would describe her state-of-mind when she first received word that her daughter, Eileena Lee, 38, is gay.

Tears filled her eyes before she even heard the words. She had been in denial for years and her greatest fear was about to be confirmed – that the daughter she once dressed up in her own image – would turn out to be lesbian.

The bearer of the news was not Eileena though. It was her younger brother, who decided to call his mother at her office one afternoon, all the way from Australia, where he was studying.

Eileena had confided in her brother, and he chose to speak with their mother about it. His intention was not to tell on his sister, but rather, to ask Mdm Yiap to give Eileena emotional support, for she had been struggling with her sexual orientation for a very long time.

Mdm Yiap still vividly remembers that fateful day, down to the exact words her son had said to her over the telephone: “Mom, you have to remain very calm. I have something to tell you that’s very important, and I need you to be calm when I say it because this is not something that we can control or change, and we have to accept it as it is.”

This was back in 1995, long before pink dollar, pink tourism, penal code 377A or the AWARE saga found their way into the Singapore consciousness.



“When I heard what my son had to say, what I felt… is so hard to describe. I was sad. I was angry. It felt as if I was going to fall. I felt guilty. I felt frustrated. And I kept asking myself: Why is life so unfair? Why did god deliver this to me? Why did it have to be me? Why did it have to be my daughter?” she recalled.

Highly distraught, Mdm Yiap began her search for answers. She looked around for information and literature about homosexuality, not quite knowing what it was that she was looking for. She admitted that she was flustered and "in two minds" about the situation. On the one hand, she was hoping to find answers on how she could change Eileena – to make her straight. On the other hand, she knew, deep down, that she may never find the answers she was looking for. This meant that she would eventually have to face up to reality.

During this period, Mdm Yiap did not confront her daughter on what her son had revealed to her. She was not ready for that. She chose avoidance instead. So from 1995 to 2001, Eileena became "invisible" to Mdm Yiap and their relationship turned cold. Mdm Yiap would take a "passive-aggressive" tact when interacting with her daughter, picking on insignificant, minute details to signal her unhappiness.

“I was confused and I may have given Eileena the impression that I didn’t love her then," she said. "That's not true at all, of course. My thoughts at the time were that I didn’t want a daughter like that; I didn’t want a gay daughter. So I avoided her because I needed to escape that reality. On the surface, I appeared very cold, but in my heart, I was always concerned about her,” she said.

All the books that Mdm Yiap had read about homosexuality were of little help. For sure, she received greater clarity on the facts and issues, but none of that knowledge adequately addressed her emotional distress at the time. She remembered reminiscing a lot about simpler moments in the past, where she would dress Eileena in pretty dresses.



“I was quite vain, as a woman, and I cared a lot about looks. I wanted Eileena to be pretty, and she was such a pretty girl when she was younger," Mdm Yiap recalled.

"All through her primary school, Eileena was like any other girl. But when she started secondary school, she became quite rebellious. She was hot-tempered and she didn’t want to talk to me even though I tried very hard to communicate with her. She kept avoiding me and I grew increasingly worried for her. She knew that I loved her femininity but she became a tomboy and stopped wearing skirts. The harder I tried to coax her, the angrier she would be with me."

Desperate to connect with her daughter, Mdm Yiap resorted to spying. She would sneak into Eileena's room, hoping to find a journal or a diary.

Looking back, Mdm Yiap said she spent too much time and energy searching for answers. It was futile because she was never satisfied with whatever it was that she found.

In 2001, after six years of reading and researching, Mdm Yiap confronted her daughter. With a deep breath and a heavy heart, she went to Eileena and asked, "Are you abnormal?"

Eileena's response: "No, I'm very normal."

Half an hour later, she went back to her daughter. This time, she asked, "Are you gay?"



Things did not improve immediately between the two. According to Mdm Yiap, she continued to feel a "knot" in her heart, but their relationship gradually took a turn for the better.

Although Eileena now jokingly refers to that episode as one where she was "dragged out of the closet" by her mother, she admitted that if not that confrontation, she would not have chosen to tell her mother.

"Like a lot of gay people, I had thought that telling the parents was a selfish and hurtful act," Eileena said. "My mother didn't accept it quickly. At the time, she also blamed herself."

Although she had exposed herself to information on homosexuality, Mdm Yiap continued to think that Eileena might have become gay because of something she did or said. "I didn't understand what homosexuality was about. I thought Eileena was gay because she thought being gay was cool. I thought it was through the influence of her friends. I thought that maybe she was just being rebellious."

Eileena did not aim for her mother's acceptance. Instead, she wanted to reconnect with her mother as her honest, authentic self: "When we start to lie, we need other lies to cover up, in order to protect that first lie. Then it all builds up. Soon, your whole life becomes a lie and you lose yourself."

While in the past her words would arouse her mom's suspicion, Eileena's honesty was reassuring for Mdm Yiap. "Eileena helped me to understand who she was. She brought her friends back home, usually large groups of friends, and from the sidelines, I observed them. I realised then that not all gay people were what I had imagined. Not everyone fit into that image that I had in my head. Almost all of them were highly educated and had successful careers. Everyone was polite and kind."

Aside from "spying" on Eileena's friends, Mdm Yiap would also listen in on Eileena's phone conversations. She realised that Eileena was spending a lot of time counselling others. She witnessed how Eileena would go out of her way to help others, sometimes even talking people out of suicidal thoughts. "My observations tell me that she's got a loving and kind heart. Many people could see that. My pastor likes her very much too. And even though Eileena's Buddhist, she would offer to help out at my church," she said.



In 2002, Eileena's father passed away. Shortly after his passing, the family business encountered several serious setbacks. This was a business that Mdm Yiap had painstakingly built from scratch, so it mattered greatly to her. But after a series of lawsuits and losses, she decided to give up the business and retire.

The incident still upsets her, but it also represents a turning point for the way she felt towards Eileena. "Eileena encouraged me to go to church. She persuaded me to talk to my pastor. She even brought me to church. If not for all of that, I believe I might be mentally unsound today," Mdm Yiap said.

For Eileena, that difficult period signalled to her the importance of family. "I never really had a strong relationship with my mom. After my father passed away, we had to learn to live with each other – because we had to. I saw that she was going through a lot of sadness [at the time] and I felt it was necessary for me to support her, because, come to think of it, I spend a lot of time helping people who aren't even family, so why shouldn't I give more to my family?"



Reflecting on the entire experience, Mdm Yiap concluded that things only got better when she learnt to open her heart and her mind. To do that, she had to let go and not try to control what God had given to her. Adopting this mindset, she said, allowed her relationship with Eileena to grow by "leaps and bounds".

Today, Mdm Yiap is proud to support initiatives like Pink Dot because she believes her own experiences can go towards reassuring other parents. "To me, the parent-child relationship is priceless," she said. "As parents, we need to show our children love and support, so that they can be happy individuals who will give back to society".

Mdm Yiap personally believes that life is better when everyone treats each other with love and care. She says this is what her religion has taught her. "Gays are people, and so, like anyone else, they need love."

Mdm Yiap recognises, of course, that this sentiment did not come easily to her, and so she offers her story in the hope that other parents might benefit from it.

"From the bottom of my heart, I want to share with the parents of LGBT Singaporeans, some of the key things that I have come to realise. First, nobody chooses to be gay. Homosexuality is not a disease or a disorder. How they feel comes naturally to them, and I believe that this is what God had intended for them, and also, for us," she said.

"Love and acceptance should start at home. As parents, if we do not show love to our children, how can we expect society to do the same? So I hope that parents will love their children for who they are. They are God's gift. When our children receive love and acceptance at home, I believe that they will go on to live their lives with love, and contribute to society in meaningful ways."

Adrian Pang says family support matters when coming out

It sometimes takes a life-changing experience for someone to gain a fresh perspective on life. For Adrian Pang, one of the most prominent faces in the Singapore film, television and theatre scenes, it took a few personal crises.

Having just turned 44, Adrian has been through several personal crises over the last few years. Each time, existential questions about life and life’s purpose would enter his mind and bother him for days on end. But through overcoming them, Adrian felt a renewed sense of purpose in life: “It’s so easy to be caught up in the daily rush of life and forget what’s important,” he noted. “I want to make this second half of my life count." 

To kick things in motion, the veteran actor left MediaCorp TV in March, after a three-year stint. He has since started ‘Pangdemonium! Productions’, a theatre company, with his wife, Tracie Howitt – also a familiar name in the local theatre circuit. His motivation: to rediscover his passion for the stage, where he had first started out.

Adrian signed up as ambassador for Pink Dot 2010 because he shares in the belief that everyone should be free to love. “Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about life and my place in the world in the grand scheme of things, especially about my role as a husband, father, son and friend. The conclusion that I’ve come to is that we are nothing without love; we are nothing without the freedom to love and to be loved,” he said.

He admitted that talk about ‘freedom’ and ‘love’ may sound clichéd or corny to some, but he maintains that not enough has been said about these life-affirming values. “Life’s too short. If you don’t make it count and you don’t make it matter by being able to give love or have the opportunity to love back, then life is meaningless.”

For Adrian, Pink Dot is a meaningful symbol of how we all have a right to love and be loved, regardless of who we are or whom we love. Such are the values that he wants to impart to his two boys – to teach them that life is so much happier when we live with love, understanding, generosity of spirit and compassion.

The ‘Family’ theme for Pink Dot 2010 is also significant. “As a father, I try to lead by example. I try to be real, to be benevolent, to demonstrate what’s right and wrong, good and bad, and all of that. I don’t always get it right, but the one thing that my wife and I have always been very adamant about is to teach the boys to be loving individuals.”

Adrian chose to champion Pink Dot, in particular, because it represents the freedom of LGBT Singaporeans to live meaningful lives. He recalled the story of a friend from school who had struggled with his sexual orientation for a very long time.

“He was very talented, but always very reserved. He kept to himself a lot of the time. There was something about him that always struck me as ever so slightly mysterious, but nobody questioned him,” he said. It turned out that this friend had deliberately kept himself at a distance. Many years would pass before he finally “confessed” his “deep secret” to a mutual friend.

“His parents didn’t know, his friends, even gay friends, didn’t know. He struggled with this for years. This was something that he wasn’t comfortable with, even within himself, for a very long time. It was only when he met someone, in his late twenties, that he found himself unable to hold it in anymore and he finally admitted to himself that he’s gay.”

This is a story that saddens Adrian because he believes that no one should have to go through such struggles alone – of being in denial and not having anyone to talk to.

Adrian believes that open minds and open communication channels are key to strong families. His idea of a close-knit family is one where family members feel safe and comfortable enough to share openly and honestly. This, of course, is an idealistic notion to strive towards. In reality, things are not always so simple as “you can’t choose your family”.

Many LGBT Singaporeans rely on their friends for support, not their families, he observed. While some level of support is better than no support at all, LGBT Singaporeans stand to lose out on strong family relationships.

“I know this won’t come easy for a lot of people. To be able to come out is a huge deal,” he said. “Admittedly, sexual orientation is a huge part of who we are as individuals. It doesn’t define a person, but it is a big part of what that person is about. So if you have family or friends who cannot accept that part of you, it kind of denigrates the relationship.”

Adrian’s view is that such patterns are not likely to disappear anytime soon as the wider society will take some time to understand LGBT issues. That is why Pink Dot is significant. For him, it represents a start to building positive attitudes for a more open and inclusive society.

So while the Pink Dot 2010 ambassador does not expect Pink Dot to “revolutionise people’s views”, the goal behind his involvement is simple: to help make individuals and families more aware, so that they can touch people’s lives in meaningful ways.”

On that note, what might Adrian say to his sons if either of them were to come out to him? His answer: “Thank you for telling me. You’re my son and I love you.”

DJ Big Kid reflects upon the impact of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ within families

Coming out of the closet is seldom easy. Just ask DJ Big Kid (otherwise known as Johnson Ong), a prominent name at dance parties across Asia.

Big Kid is Singaporean, gay, and closeted to his family. In fact, this story might be his way of leaving the proverbial doors open for future conversations with his loved ones. “I grew up in an environment where I was told being gay is wrong; that I needed to cast out the demons,” he said.

He suspects some members of his family might be aware of his sexual orientation. But so far, none of them have confronted him. He’s pretty certain that this same dynamic applies to many gay Singaporeans – a code of ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ within families, so as to avoid difficult conversations.

“Parents have a certain expectation of their children,” he noted. “Because of these expectations, you feel that there’s a need to keep up the charade. If you don’t, then you’d fall short and disappoint everyone.”

As a country, we think of ‘family’ as being core to our values, yet the idea of having an LGBT family member would be unfathomable for most Singaporean families. Hence, we dodge, pretend and avoid, so as to maintain harmony, Big Kid said.

“I think, a lot of times, this issue drives a wedge between sons and daughters, with their parents. There’s that ‘need’ to hide who you are, that ‘need’ to keep up with appearances, and because of this, you cannot reveal your true self to the people that you love – your parents, extended family members, friends, old classmates… It keeps everyone in the family from having a truly close relationship.”

He recounts the story of a friend, J, who fell ill and had to be hospitalised. J is gay and was, at the time, not out to his family. J’s partner had alerted J’s family about the situation, and he would, subsequently, continue to provide regular updates to J’s mother about the condition of J’s health.

The way in which J's family had managed the situation stuck with Big Kid because it exemplified what he perceived to be a particularly "Asian" approach of tiptoeing around the elephant in the room. Everyone in the family knew what was going on between J and his partner but no one would talk about it, he said.

“It didn’t matter to the mother what relationship J had with his partner. What mattered to her was that this guy cares deeply about her son, which was something that she could recognise quite clearly. Next thing you know, when she’s making chicken soup for J, she prepares an extra portion for J’s partner.”

For Big Kid, the story reflects the way in which most Singapore families might manage and accept the presence of an LGBT member: “quiet acknowledgement”. However, he believes that family relationships will be stronger when family members communicate more openly – “So that they can be the ones you turn to,” he said.

For that reason, Big Kid said ‘yes’ to being a Pink Dot 2010 ambassador. “Last year’s Pink Dot was a fantastic effort… and it’s a simple thing that we can do once a year to say that LGBT people are a part of the Singapore family.”


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Coming up next: Adrian Pang and more!

For stronger people, families and societies, give 'good love', says Tan Kheng Hua

What is a "good love"? According to Singaporean actress Tan Kheng Hua, "good love", over and above ordinary love, is what we get when we are “with people who can bring out the best in us". And indeed, the Ambassador for Pink Dot 2010 believes that “good love” can help forge stronger people, resilient families and societies.

The prominent actress, who is also a mother, thinks this year’s Pink Dot theme – Family - is an apt one, as she firmly believes that family support is a vital part of life. “Relationships within the family should never be underestimated,” she said, adding that it is ultimately our relationships at home that will affirm who we are as people, and as a community.

She stressed, "The impact that family members have, whether or not the relationships are acrimonious or harmonious, can impact the subconscious in complex ways. In good or in bad times, you should always be able to go back to where you began, which is the family.”

Kheng Hua strives to be as supportive a person to her family and friends as possible. For people who have no access to such support, she feels that the community can play an important role to integrate differences in society. Community, to her, no matter how small, can shape perspectives, ideas and self-worth.

“Having people around you, especially people who bring out good things in you, will reinforce what’s good about you. When you are with them, you like the person that you are.”

Likewise, she hopes that Pink Dot 2010 will give a "good feeling" to all participants involved. The idea of coming together to 'Make Pink Dot' may sound simple, but, in her own words: “Don’t underestimate that”.

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Coming up next: thoughts from Adrian Pang and DJ Big Kid :)

COME MAKE OUR HAPPY PINK DOT HAPPIER!

PinkDot is a platform that celebrates the Freedom to Love, regardless of whether you are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender or Straight. We are made up of a group of straight and gay volunteers who care deeply about the place LGBT Singaporeans call home.

In 2009, 2,500 people came to support the Freedom to Love. This year, we hope to make PinkDot bigger!

PinkDot is back this year, at Hong Lim Park, on 15 May 2010 – the International Day of Families.


We are looking for performers and performing troupes above 18 years of age for the second Pink Dot, and would like to invite artistes who are keen on supporting Pink Dot to audition for:

• Main performance slots (4-6 acts). (We’d be particularly ecstatic if you’re a cheerleading team or marching band)
• Strolling performers such as jugglers, stilt-walkers, illusionists, etc.

Please let us know if you are willing to participate/perform pro bono. This doesn’t guarantee a performance slot, but it is very valuable in making Pink Dot a reality. Otherwise, all selected artistes will be paid a performance stipend.

AUDITION DETAILS
Date: 17 April 2010, Saturday
Time: 1 – 4 pm
Venue: Fly Entertainment, 213 Henderson Road, Henderson Industrial Park, #01-02/11

To register for auditions, please email us with your name, IC no. and contact details (i.e. mobile number). Please also provide a brief summary of your performance. Submissions will be accepted until 15 April.

Email us, too, with further queries – we’ll get back to you asap.

Pictures from PinkDot's Tea Party!

We premièred our very first 2010 video, we introduced our ambassadors for 2010, and we had a ball with our friends who came down (dressed fashionably, in pink) to show their support. Check out our pretty pictures from last Sunday [Thanks, Dennis & Enrik! PinkDot loves Fotocology]